Have you ever prayed for something that you really want and it remained a plain fantasy? I wonder how one could cope with that. They say it just a matter of acceptance; some would have a hard time to achieve it while others need forever to recover. Acceptance is not possible if a heart plants intense sorrow, despair, and maybe, just maybe, I could have been one of those.
Dark skies, hopeless emotions and melancholic features, nights full of tears until sleep is the only saving power left in me to be able to escape from the bitter reality. I wanted to be strong, but deep inside I wondered how I would be able to manage it. I wanted to think that time would heal all wpunds, but I waited so much that even until now, nothing has been cured. I wanted to undo things but I realized that life could not possibly make it happen. I reached a point when I wanted to blame God but I made myself believe that everything is under His control. I wanted to cry so hard until there were no more tears left to fall. I wanted to do everything I could just to cheer up my forlorn being but I failed to do such because I do not exactly understand the value of true happiness.
Months had passed and I still found myself going over the same failure. Any remark that would remind me of that would make me regret. The happy face I was once wearing would never surface again. Any hope would never straighten up whatever error had been done. I was so disappointed with myself that I wished that I could turn back time, to the time that I was still a child, when the only things in life that hurt are the lollipops my mom didn't allow me to eat and the bruises brought by running with friends when playing outdoors. It could have healed easier and quicker than that of a failure in life that even I myself question the existence of a cure.
There are times when I hope that my darken sun would find a light and shine again. Many people think that when a person fails, he is the worst person in the world, even worst than polluted air or criminals in jail. They would endlessly pass judgments and act as if they themselves were all perfect, without knowing the real stories. And so, the hope of moving on and starting all over again fades and brings me back to the dark fog clouding in my room, suffocating me every second. I would never forget the time when I saw my mom and quickly ran to her and hugged her so tight. In her hands I felt safe while tears rapidly fell down my cheeks. She is the only shield that I have. However, even the firmest weapon could not do anything to save me from the failure I had made. I kept on weeping for the same mistake repeatedly. There was no hope, courage and wisdon left in me.
In the midst of oblivion, I got tired of being miserable. I realized that there is more to life than bounding myself in the same old mistake I could have possibly overcome if I had just made something to make those things right. Then I remembered faith, aspiration and possibility. I never thought of drawing myself near to God. I constracted a gap just because of the idea that He rejected what I wanted. ON the contrary, God could not always give us what we want in life, however, He gives us the best that we pray for or what we dream of. We do not always have to succed. We have to face failure occassionaly; To straighten our faith, to grow as a better person, to believe in God no matter what and to learn the lessons in life as a weapon in the near success that waits in the future. I reaized that failure is optional. Mistakes are essentials but it is us who turn mistakes into failures. We should never limit ourselves into a single mistake. We should never be afraid to commit mistakes because in life, the more mistakes you make, the more lessons you learn, the better person you become. Pain in failure can never be avoided but we always, have the control to overcome it.
Have you ever prayed for something that you really want and it remained a plain fantasy? I wonder how one could cope up with that. They say it is just a matter of acceptance; some would have hard time to achieve it while others need forever to recover. Acceptance is not possible if a heart plants intense sorrow and despair. It starts with the belief that in every prayer there is always an answer; the answer bounds off in two constructive meaningful words - the YES and the NO.
However, mine was a no. You see, it took me a long time to recover. Remember that God is up there. He may reject your prayers, but He sure has reasons doing it. Do not take it as a suffering. Take it as a gift coming from Him. Open it and you maybe hurt, but in the end, you will find the hidden treasure. Deep within it is the hope of redirection to the place where you really belong. God settles the right time for you. So, like me, I hope that someday, in the right time and right place, the wonders of life would be brought forth because God inspire me and makes me believe that there is life after failure.
xoxo,
Sheena <3
